We hear from a lot of women who are just ‘done’. We also hear from men who are shocked to learn that their woman is ‘done’.
‘Done’ can mean different things, depending on the woman and the situation. Done doesn’t always mean done. But when it truly means done – only God can undo that kind of done! The man has no chance to reach her. (For those men who have a woman who told you she’s done, see this post from RickThomas.net – one of the best words of wisdom I’ve read on this)
So let’s talk about that. Are you ‘done’ or only ‘mostly done’ (Princess Bride fans will pick up on the reference). Is your heart dead to your mate? Or is there a grain-of-sand sized hope that something could rock his world and start cracking his walls? If that grain of sand exists, the following observations are for you. They are random observations and real stories we have seen since publishing The Disconnected Man. There’s hope in them as well as a challenge. My hope is that you will find some light and encouragement from them.
The most hopeless cases often get turned around in a matter of months. We’ve seen it time and time again. Men crash into realities they had no idea would come. And they decide to do the right thing. Here are some things we’ve seen.
We’ve seen men melt when they were awakened to the fact that they were severely abused as a child. Men who had untold pain stuffed away for years. Pain that came out when they got frustrated. Pain they didn’t know they had. Pain that kept them scared, and hidden, and running for years. Pain that went ignored – but real pain. Pain makes us different. When pain is dealt with and resolved – men change. Your man may be suffering in ways he doesn’t even know. When God’s timing is right – He can raise the dead – He can uncover the pain and heal it.
We’ve seen men resist change until an ultimatum is handed down, usually by their wives. Once she leaves or asks him to – he wakes up. Truly wakes up – not the ‘I’m sorry, give me another chance’ – with no change wake up – but the total renovation, he’s a different guy wake up. It doesn’t happen overnight but it happens. Eventually, his wife starts noticing and she realizes it’s real – worth hanging around for.
We’ve seen men just ‘get it’ out of the blue. One, in particular, was desperately trying to improve his marriage. He didn’t have any hope that he could fix the issues in his relationship with his wife. They had tried. His desperation took him to Barnes and Noble bookstore where he found The Disconnected Man. He learned that his rocky relationship with his wife was because he was a disconnected man – and that he needed to change – not his wife. She had accommodated him so much already. She had made sacrifice after sacrifice. He had been unreachable. Not anymore. He has changed dramatically! His wife isn’t trusting the change yet – but if she will hang in there she will learn that this guy has been redone!
Trying to stay positive with this post but we don’t want you to think everything is always rosy.
We’ve also seen men who quit. They think their women are at fault. If she would just do or be, this or that, my life would be great. They never take a moment to look at themselves. Men like this break our hearts – and maybe yours. We are confident that God has them in His sights though – and will deal with them in His time.
On the other side of things.
We’ve seen women light up with hope when real change takes hold. We know women who now have the man they always dreamed of – after decades of enduring his disconnection. They now have an intimate partner who understands them, understands the pain they’ve felt. They are feeling cherished and loved. They see him connecting with the kids and truly loving like he couldn’t before. He shares what he’s feeling, opens his heart, and remains transparent. It’s almost surreal for them – but once they get used to it, they love it.
We’ve seen women wait cautiously for changes to settle in. Some men change slowly and fall back into old patterns before making big steps. We know women who have waited to see real improvement. Not always drastic ‘man of my dreams’ changes, but change enough to celebrate and relieve some of the stress. They are enjoying happier times with a better man.
We’ve seen women fall under massive conviction for their own contributions to their husband’s disconnection. Sometimes The Disconnected Man message is more for the woman than the man. They see patterns of behavior and attitudes in themselves that have hurt their relationships. They then humble themselves, confess, and turn it around. They become sweeter and more engaging and their relationships start to change – almost magically.
Back on that not-so-rosy note.
We’ve also seen women become ugly remnants of who they used to be. Bitter, complicated, tense, and angry. They drip negativity. They crush the spirits of their men as a reaction to their own crushed spirits. They disconnect. They become tangled up balls of sarcastic barbed wire who scratch and hurt almost everyone they come in contact with. It’s such sadness to watch this happen. We get many comments that simply leak venom. We sometimes wonder how anyone maintains the levels of anger we hear. This is also tragic and heartbreaking but we are confident the Lord knows these women and will move their hearts when the time comes.
Overall, we see many more successes than failures. We are confident that most people hate conflict and want to resolve it and enjoy beautiful relationships. We are hopeful that instead of being “done”, women will hold on to that last small hope – and wait.
Men and women don’t always know if they can make the next step. If you haven’t read my book, that would be a great start.
We think it’s good to share stories of real people with you, that have been through or are going through what you are. In time, we hope to share full stories with names and introduce you to those couples who have faced their disconnection and found a way through it. IF you happen to be one of those, please reach out to us and tell us your story. We would love to hear from you!