Disconnected Men and Porn

jimturnerauthorAcceptance, Change, Grace, Husbands, Porn, Relationship, Sex, TrustLeave a Comment

FIRST: A word to any man with a porn habit.

Hide anything and it will eventually destroy everything you love. Bring everything into the light of godly men. Men who will commit to holding you accountable with the tools and the time it takes to break the bondage and you’ll have a chance. If you want honor, respect, peace, wealth, life, happiness, confidence, good sleep, safety, beauty and more, you’ll trade the pursuit of the endorphin, adrenaline rush that comes with porn for the embrace of Jesus. May you overcome!

 

SECOND (the remainder of this post is for you): To the women of disconnected men who have a porn habit.

If nothing else sinks in from this post please let this –

His porn habit IS NOT ABOUT YOU.Click To Tweet

In the same way a gambling habit, a drinking habit, a smoking habit, a drug habit or any other sinful addiction is not about you, porn is not about you. And I am talking about a habit – not an occasional mistake.

Why do I say this? Because good women get crushed under the false burdens that his sin brings to them. And good men caught in a web of sin, can slowly destroy their women day by day.

Women need to know the truth.

Your man’s porn habit is not because of any inadequacies of yours:

It’s NOT because you aren’t beautiful.

It’s NOT because you aren’t sexy.

It’s NOT because you don’t have a great body.

It’s NOT because you won’t do the sexual things he wants.

Even if you were as ‘beautiful’ and as ‘built’ and ‘uninhibited’ as the most stunning porn actress – HE WOULD STILL HAVE THIS PROBLEM!

He has the problem because of his own sinful desires that feed good feelings in his brain and body. When I say good feelings, I don’t mean morally good. I mean endorphin, adrenaline, and other bio-chemical releases that make his brain and body feel physically good. He’s hooked on those feelings and keeps going back to get another ‘hit’.

It’s only when he decides that he’s going to choose Christ over chemicals that things will ever change. Even when he does – and gets serious about it – he will most likely trip and stumble along a long, rocky path out of the bondage he’s in. (More on this later)

But realize something more from his side of the problem.

Your man’s porn habit is not because:

He doesn’t love you.

He doesn’t feel guilty.

He doesn’t want to quit.

He doesn’t try to quit.

Your man has a porn habit because it feels so good to sin.Click To Tweet

The Bible makes it clear that sin is pleasurable and a choice has to be made. Hebrews 11:24-26 says,

‘By faith Moses, when he was come to years, refused to be called the son of Pharaoh’s daughter; Choosing rather to suffer affliction with the people of God, than to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a season; Esteeming the reproach of Christ greater riches than the treasures in Egypt: for he had respect unto the recompence of the reward.’

And for him, the only way this ends is when he decides to suffer affliction and to consider the reproach of Christ to be worth more than the pleasure. Until then, he will continue to struggle. And you will continue to suffer.

BUT, there are ways for you to minimize your suffering regardless if he ever changes. Here are a few of them.

#1

Be convinced that his porn habit IS NOT ABOUT YOU. You did not drive him to porn. Your inadequacies (I’m not accusing you of being inadequate – we all have inadequacies) have nothing to do with his sin. Your form, your attitude, your lack of desire, your ‘issues’ whatever they are, do not give him an excuse to turn to sinful habits. So STOP ALLOWING him, or yourself, or the devil to blame you. Every person is responsible for their own sin. Ezekiel 18:20 makes this clear,

“The person who sins will die. The son will not bear the punishment for the father’s iniquity, nor will the father bear the punishment for the son’s iniquity; the righteousness of the righteous will be upon himself, and the wickedness of the wicked will be upon himself.

NOR will the wife bear (be responsible) or be punished for her husbands sin!

#2

Be convinced that your disconnected man LOVES YOU. It’s so easy to feel that your man doesn’t love you when he’s turning to other women (even if they are images on a screen) to satisfy himself. When the reality is that he probably loves you more than he’s ever loved anyone. His inability to make you feel his love is part of what identifies him as a disconnected man. I discuss this more in The Disconnected Man book and in other blog posts.

#3

Be convinced that it’s OK NOT TO TRUST him. Let’s be real. He’s lied to you before and he may be lying to you now. He didn’t quit before and he might not quit now. You invested trust in him and he broke that trust. Don’t deny it and don’t minimize it. Unless he’s made drastic steps to become accountable and to keep that accountability in place for years – you should remind yourself that he can’t be trusted.

Here’s the best test for accountability. If you and your man are the only ones who know of his porn habit, he’s not accountable. If he submits himself, and all his passwords, and the places that tempt him to godly men for accountability, then allows them access to every part of his life at any time – he’s got a chance to break free.

Hide anything and it will grow in the dark. Reveal all and the light of the Spirit has a chance to burn it away.

#4

Be convinced that EVERY MAN gets exposed to porn but NOT EVERY MAN gets addicted to porn. Nudity and sexual acts are almost impossible to avoid in our culture. It is a rare man (and probably woman) who has never been exposed to porn. For some, the immediate rush and its memory are captivating and very difficult to resist. For others, the shock is sickening and they never want to repeat it. All of us fall somewhere in this spectrum.

Once exposed, the curiosity can cling for years. Don’t be shocked if your man gives in. It wouldn’t be tempting if it were not tempting. That may be a goofy thing to say but it’s all too true. Show grace for men who resist and resist and then fall. We all need grace when we fall.

#5

Be convinced of when to DRAW THE LINE. When porn leads to habitual lies, financial loss, corrupted marriage bed, spiritual oppression, family disruption, or fear of criminal acts, it may be time to separate. These are strong words. Don’t take action on them without wise and godly counsel.

Please note. I’m not suggesting divorce. I’m suggesting separation until the man repents and becomes accountable for the long term. Many men need a wake-up call. They need to know what they will lose if they continue in their sin. Sometimes separation is the best way to get their attention.

#6

Be convinced that YOU ARE PRECIOUS in God’s sight. God gave His only son to die so you could live. (John 3:16) That’s precious. God’s thoughts about you number more than the grains of sand on the beaches of the world. (Psalm 139) That’s precious. God will one day disrupt the entire universe to return for you. (Revelation 19-21) That’s precious. Stay in God’s word to remind yourself of your true worth!

#7

Be convinced that YOUR SIN cost the same price to forgive as his sin. We often get judgmental and condemning, especially when someone sins against us. We accuse them and excuse ourselves. We can drive the wedge deeper when we add our condemnation to the guilt he’s already feeling.

Take responsibility for your own sin, repent and walk in humility. Give his sin to God and ask God to do the work in his heart. Be ready to forgive and restore.  Galatians 6:1 says,

‘Brothers, if someone is caught in any wrongdoing, you who are spiritual should restore such a person with a gentle spirit, watching out for yourselves so you also won’t be tempted.’

 

Ladies, this list is only a starter. The Holy Spirit will help you with additional steps and the timing of them. For now though, get these down to combat the lies and the heartache and the fear. Rest hard on God’s grace and mercy. He can see you through.

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