When A Woman Is “Done” and Hope For Those Who Are Only “Mostly Done”

We hear from a lot of women who are just ‘done’. We also hear from men who are shocked to learn that their woman is ‘done’.

‘Done’ can mean different things, depending on the woman and the situation. Done doesn’t always mean done. But when it truly means done – only God can undo that kind of done! The man has no chance to reach her. (For those men who have a woman who told you she’s done, see this post from RickThomas.net – one of the best words of wisdom I’ve read on this)

So let’s talk about that. Are you ‘done’ or only ‘mostly done’ (Princess Bride fans will pick up on the reference). Is your heart dead to your mate? Or is there a grain-of-sand sized hope that something could rock his world and start cracking his walls? If that grain of sand exists, the following observations are for you. They are random observations and real stories we have seen since publishing The Disconnected Man. There’s hope in them as well as challenge. My hope is that you will find some light and encouragement from them.

The most hopeless cases often get turned around in a matter of months. We’ve seen it time and time again. Men crash into realities they had no idea would come. And they decide to do the right thing. Here are some things we’ve seen.

We’ve seen men melt when they were awakened to the fact that they were severely abused as a child. Men who had untold pain stuffed away for years. Pain that came out when they got frustrated. Pain they didn’t know they had. Pain that kept them scared, and hidden, and running for years. Pain that went ignored – but real pain. Pain makes us different. When pain is dealt with and resolved – men change. Your man may be suffering in ways he doesn’t even know. When God’s timing is right – He can raise the dead – He can uncover the pain and heal it.

We’ve seen men resist change until an ultimatum is handed down, usually by their wives. Once she leaves or asks him to – he wakes up. Truly wakes up – not the ‘I’m sorry, give me another chance’ – with no change wake up – but the total renovation, he’s a different guy wake up. It doesn’t happen overnight but it happens. Eventually his wife starts noticing and she realizes it’s real – worth hanging around for.

We’ve seen men just ‘get it’ out of the blue. One in particular was desperately trying to improve his marriage. He didn’t have any hope that he could fix the issues in his relationship with his wife. They had tried. His desperation took him to Barnes and Noble bookstore where he found The Disconnected Man. He learned that his rocky relationship with his wife was because he was a disconnected man – and that he needed to change – not his wife. She had accommodated him so much already. She had made sacrifice after sacrifice. He had been unreachable. Not any more. He has changed dramatically! His wife isn’t trusting the change yet – but if she will hang in there she will learn that this guy has been redone!

Trying to stay positive with this post but we don’t want you to think everything is always rosy.

We’ve also seen men who quit. They think their women are at fault. If she would just do or be, this or that, my life would be great. They never take a moment to look at themselves. Men like this break our hearts – and maybe yours. We are confident that God has them in His sights though – and will deal with them in His time.

On the other side of things.

We’ve seen women light up with hope when real change takes hold. We know women who now have the man they always dreamed of – after decades of enduring his disconnection. They now have an intimate partner who understands them, understands the pain they’ve felt. They are feeling cherished and loved. They see him connecting with the kids and truly loving like he couldn’t before. He shares what he’s feeling, opens his heart, and remains transparent. It’s almost surreal for them – but once they get used to it, they love it.

We’ve seen women wait cautiously for changes to settle in. Some men change slowly and fall back into old patterns before making big steps. We know women who have waited to see real improvement. Not always drastic ‘man of my dreams’ changes, but change enough to celebrate and relieve some of the stress. They are enjoying happier times with a better man.

We’ve seen women fall under massive conviction for their own contributions to their husband’s disconnection. Sometimes The Disconnected Man message is more for the woman than the man. They see patterns of behavior and attitudes in themselves that have hurt their relationships. They then humble themselves, confess, and turn it around. They become sweeter and more engaging and their relationships start to change – almost magically.

Back on that not-so-rosy note.

We’ve also seen women become ugly remnants of who they used to be. Bitter, complicated, tense, and angry. They drip negativity. They crush the spirits of their men as a reaction to their own crushed spirits. They disconnect. They become tangled up balls of sarcastic barbed wire who scratch and hurt almost everyone they come in contact with. It’s such sadness to watch this happen. We get many comments that simply leak venom. We sometimes wonder how anyone maintains the levels of anger we hear. This is also tragic and heartbreaking but we are confident the Lord knows these women and will move their hearts when the time comes.

Overall, we see many more successes than failures. We are confident that most people hate conflict and want to resolve it and enjoy beautiful relationships. We are hopeful that instead of being “done”, women will hold on to that last small hope – and wait.

Men and women don’t always know if they can make the next step. That’s why we think it’s good to share the examples with you. In time, we hope to share full stories with names and introduce you to those couples who have faced their disconnection and found a way through it. IF you happen to be one of those, please reach out to us and tell us your story. We would love to hear from you!

Comments 4

  1. I am a “working on being connected man”’s wife. He is about one month into his transformation. We have been married over 30 years. It’s so amazing to capture moments when he connects. It seems to come and go, but the lingering periods of connection are becoming stronger. Your book has been “streams in the desert”. Thank you for all the support not just for the disconnected man but for the wives that love them. This article has been very helpful to me. God Bless!

    1. Post

      I’m so happy for you Melody – thanks much for letting us know. Our prayer is that God gives you both the patience to allow your relationship to grow from here! It’s not easy to correct years of disconnection and you will have setbacks – keep working and praying and you will continue to grow closer!

  2. Once we’re done, we’re done. We’ve done enough. We spend our lifetime and our youth doing it. If a man screws up once, he’ll do it again. Would you trust a wife after she physically cheats you? Well we won’t trust you after you wreck the relationship, either. Quid pro quo, pal.

    Men need us; not the other way around. God wants me to forgive a man who has deliberately hurt me emotionally more than a dozen times. I don’t care if it sends me to Hell: this relationship is over and the answer is never. Off to the thots he can go. I live alone and my house is silent and clean and chaos-free. I love it.

    I do NOT forgive.

    I’m done.

    1. Post

      Thanks for commenting Heather! We’ve heard from many women who could echo your words. I’m very sorry that a person so close to you felt like he could deliberately hurt you. There is no excuse for that. I’m amazed but impressed that you kept trying – you must have a very large heart and patient soul.

      I would encourage you to let your anger die and protect yourself form bitterness. Forgiveness is the way for us to become free of another person’s wrongful treatment. If you refuse to forgive, the past hurts will continue to eat at you. He won’t be affected – but you will.

      Fortunately, God doesn’t send people to hell over relationship issues with other people – otherwise I would be in great fear for you. God only wants a relationship with you. He wishes to heal your wounds, meet the needs of your heart, and ultimately gather you up in His arms of love. People fail, God does not. I hope you are able to maintain trust in Him, even though many others have failed you. Please let us know if we can help in any other way!

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